‘Don’t you know who I am?’

IMG_1618

I want to personally thank all of you who responded to my “letter” this week asking for more comments on this series. It was good to hear what many of you are getting out of this study. For me, the moral inventory has been both revealing and freeing. Let me try and get at some of what I’ve been digging up.

I’ve spent most of my life believing I was better than everybody else. I was special. I was given a task from God to do something really BIG for Him. That was drilled into me at the age of five. What it did was set me apart in my mind. I was privileged. God was going to give me VIP treatment since I was so important to Him and His work. A warped sense of spiritual entitlement set in and blended dangerously with my distaste for accountability and you can see where this is going — someone who is aloof and above criticism.

I love the 12-Step program because it throws me into the mix of broken humanity. It’s where I belong. But it’s also where I don’t fit. I’m tired of being aloof, but I don’t know how to be in the crowd. I’m self-conscious in groups when I’m nobody. I know what to do when I’m the performer. I know how to take compliments and reach out to people as long as I’m the somebody they came to hear, but when I’m not the focus, I fade into the background and want to hide. “Don’t you know who I am?” is going through my mind, or as Marti points out, it should be “Don’t you know who I was?”

The 12-Step program throws me in with a bunch of sinners, which is where I long to be, but it’s also where I don’t know how to be. I know how to be in the green room with the speakers. And then I find out there are no speakers here, there are just a bunch of flabbergasted saved sinners, and they share the job of leading the meeting, and that’s good. We’re anonymous. We’re nobodies finding out we are somebody in Christ. This is good. This is all very good, but scary.

Is anybody else scared? Why?

Would you feel at home in an AA meeting or out of sorts?

This entry was posted in 12 Steps and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to ‘Don’t you know who I am?’

  1. Mark D Seguin says:

    Dear Pastor John, I’ll try to be less forceful then I was before, yet that’s in mine & I believe / think Marti’s Personality Type; although, I sure a lot of your up bringing as a lot to do with who you are. So does your Personality Type (PT) – I can almost guarantee u a vast majority of people w/ similar PT feel the same as you do. So once again to gain some insight I’ll suggest to reading Dr. Robert Rohm’s book: The DISC Method of understanding PT and I’m pretty sure once u do, I’ll notice comments from the insights you’ll gain in knowledge in reading that book mentioned in a few Catches…. ❤ 🙂

  2. Gary says:

    Maybe using the event of the Vail being torn in the Temple shows us that the Temple Vail in us must be torn also. Your testimony is extremely illuminating. I thank the Lord for you and all those whom He uses to glorify Him. Knowing yourself has to come by knowing Him. What a work of miracles He Works. If it takes being scared, finding out who we are, He will walk with us, guiding our steps through it all.

  3. Sandie says:

    I can identify with you John; regarding your ‘special-ness.’ From a young age, I was told I was better than the other kids…better-looking, smarter, more talented. I was well-read and well- spoken – something the Lord has used in ministry; but oh boy here comes the pride again! A big load for a little kid to carry all that pride. No wonder it took me so long to make Jesus Lord in my life. Then, years after I did, came the prophecy and blessing over Bobby and I to have a music ministry. Out popped that pride and ‘special-ness’ again, though it took almost 10 years for that word of knowledge to be born in reality. I did gain some humility through my work with teens, but boy I know that feeling after a great performance; after hearing people praise God and me. I am learning to stop myself before I go too far – after all, how many times do I have to be clobbered with a spiritual 2×4? I’m guessing a lot more as I travel this road. Bummer.

  4. Gary 530 604 3599 says:

    John, i love all i have heard and read. I have saved all of your 12-Step postings since the beginning. Your blog is read on the local christian station at 820 each weekday morning. It is so relevant for me today…big bummer today, i lost all my email, three folders were emptied obviously in my computer illiteracy. could you please resend Steps 1 thru 5 to the email you have for me. your writings are great, i dig all the angles and the truth that it contains. Appreciate the talk shows also as i presently am involved in CR. Thanks for the consideration, gp

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.