4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
“Hi, my name is John, and I’m not an alcoholic, but it’s very complicated. In some ways, I kind of wish I was, because then I would be among friends. But that’s not quite true either, because if I were among friends, I wouldn’t know what to do. I do not like fitting in. I’ve always avoided it. I think it’s because I think of myself as above or beyond most groups. So every group I’m near, I find some way to not really be a part of it. I’ve tried to figure out where this comes from, and the best I can do is surmise it has to do with being told I was special as a child, and God had set me apart for a reason. Of course I believed it in ways that set me over others and made for different (more lenient) rules for me than for them.
And then I’ve turned into a professionally vulnerable person — what I do to make a living is to be somewhat publicly vulnerable in my writing/speaking/singing — but privately, private. I’m an Isolationist, not in a political sense; I’m an Isolationist in a personal sense. I keep my distance. You could say I’m addicted to living like this. It’s how I cope. And try as I may to change it, I’m powerless. It’s a consciousness I can’t shake.
I’ve attended a few Al-Anon meetings, and as the adult parent of an addicted child, I belonged there. I had stories to tell like everyone else. I had much to learn. I had a seat in the middle of the room, but I also sat over the room in my head. I wasn’t really there; I was observing. I might write about this. I might use this experience for something. I wasn’t “in” the experience, I was “over” it.
This is what I turned up in my recent moral inventory.
Hey … I have an idea. Can I be in your group? Can I walk alongside you? Can you help me lose this addiction to isolation?
Not the Only One
by John Fischer (on his “Some Folks’ World” CD)
I used to think that I was right
A lonely candle in the night
And while the heart of the world was breaking
I could not feel the aching
The mantle had passed down to me
This thing was my destiny
And while the world was out there dying
I was in here lying to myself
For all the knowledge I had gained
Put me on a higher plane
And I became another
No one was my brother
And the loving message He brought down
Turned into a hollow sound
And then I heard Him calling
And His words sent me falling to my knees
You’re not the only one with truth
You’re not the only one with eyes
You’re not the only one — the only one who cries
You’re not the only one
And suddenly there was with me
An ocean of humanity
A sea of many faces
In waves of warm embraces
And while I questioned how to judge them all
Who would rise and who would fall
I found myself among them
And it mattered little who was wrong or right
And then I saw Him lifted up
The wounded One who drank the cup of death
For all the dying
The end of justifying
And I laid my mantle on the ground
And felt the rain come pouring down
The rain of my religion
Falling down like weeping from the sky
You’re not the only one with truth
You’re not the only one with eyes
You’re not the only one — the only one who cries
You’re not the only one
OK yet once again (it’s similar to talking to a wall) I’ll try to politely suggest if you like to gain some more & helpful insight to your Personalty Type, Pastor John plz consider doing yourself a favor. Read Dr. Robert Rohm’s Book DISC Method of understand Personalty Type. The minute your done with it and gain the insights – I guarantee your writing will change.
I’ve built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island
Don’t talk of love
Well, I’ve heard the words before
It’s sleeping in my memory
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries…
Wow! Someone a long time ago told me that was the loneliest song there ever was……
Cynthia Vera
First, reading your Catch today John really spoke to me, and now reading the comments, bobnearseattle writes down the words of one of my favourite songs that describes how I’ve often felt. I remember first hearing that record ( which I still own 😊) when I was a child. I’m an isolationist because it (falsely?) protects me from being rejected. It’s easier not to allow people to get too close and then when they don’t really show any interest in being your friend it doesn’t bother you as much. Or at least it’s easier to pretend it doesn’t. I’m struggling with attending church at the moment as I question what is church supposed to be. Community? I’ve attended my church for many years and I struggle with some social anxiety and making small talk after the service so I either try to leave ASAP or stay and chat but it’s apparent that people aren’t in any hurry to come over and say hi. Ah the battle over the knowledge that I need to get involved and put myself out there and pursue relationships and yet the fear and truth that although I’m a nice person I’m not really likeable. Just my isolationist struggle.