Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
It’s all about control. So far I have been in control of my own life and I have already admitted that I have been doing a lousy job of it. It’s my own control that has gotten me into the addictions I rely on because I’m not meeting expectations. Whatever I am addicted to is what helps me cope with what I can’t manage. It’s the way I maintain a facade of adequacy. My addiction is whatever makes me feel strong when in fact I am weak and miserable, tired and alone. I don’t have enough fingers to plug all the holes in my life. My addiction is the way I cope with this discrepancy and the false sense of control I hide behind. The thing that has gotten me in the door of the twelve step program is the realization that this pattern of control and cover-up I just described is hurting me and those around me, yet in spite of knowing that, I refuse to face into any of it. I’ve always managed this way and I’m going to continue to manage this way regardless. Like a child with his whoopee blanket, I’m going to hold onto this addictive pattern of mismanagement as long as I possibly can.
But alas, I’m here. Not sure how I got here, but I’m here, sitting in this imaginary twelve step meeting shining light into the dark, cluttered parts of my life that need attention. Here is where I have to issue a disclaimer to all who are reading this right now. I am attempting to describe the inner workings of a program that you may not have signed up for. You may think this is not relevant to you because you are not an alcoholic, but I challenge you to reread the last paragraph and see if there is something you can identify in your life — some false sense of adequacy that you rely on instead of stepping into the light and becoming vulnerable. Maybe you belong here after all. I’m beginning to realize that I do. I invite you to come along for the ride for the sake of what you might learn about yourself. If anything, it will make you more grateful to the Lord for all He has done for you.
This brings us to Step Three where we are willing to step out of the darkness and into the light. We are willing to admit to ourselves and others these games we play, and turn our lives over to God. We want to be done with all this manipulation and make ourselves totally vulnerable to the Lord. This is the scary part. This is giving up the whoopee blanket and not knowing what comes next except that we want God to be in control instead of us. We can do this because God has given us the faith to believe He is there and He knows what is best for us. This step is scary, but terrible freeing. We are giving up control and the false sense of adequacy our addictions gave us in exchange for a new vulnerability. We are letting go. We are pulling all our fingers out of the holes in our lives and proclaiming our dependence on God for the next steps. Are you ready?